I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
