I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
