I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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