Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
