At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
