How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
