i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
this boner is exhausting
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
