Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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