You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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