I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
