someone threw a dead crab at me
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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