forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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