oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Randomize
