dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
