put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
