Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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