meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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