Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
This is the high leading the old right now
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
