im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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