My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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