What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize