They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
