I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
