I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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