I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
