Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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