in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
