if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize