So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
