I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
