Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
even my farts smell like vagina
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
