Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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