eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
