Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
