my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
