naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize