Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
