dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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