we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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