You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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