Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
