I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
