So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
