somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
