I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
