So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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