Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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