I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
