Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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