to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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