Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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