It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
