I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
