I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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