Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
