The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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