we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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