Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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