Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
