I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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