There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
