Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
