A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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