you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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