oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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