she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Small penises have feelings too.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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