I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
