overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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